As per...

Absolutely f**ked off,...again!

When you have so much hate and anger towards someone who you used to look up to and would die for; it just confuses and upsets me.

Why be such an idiot to someone you supposedly love, you'd do anything for and are dying and begging to get back with, it makes no sense what's so ever!?

Yes I get some of your logic and points you make in argument, yet you know I don't want you in my life as I have no trust for you and I cant bare for you to keep hurting me the way you do, so why keep telling me you love me, you'd do anything for me, you'd quit some of the biggest parts of your life and give up such important thing for me; when all you go and do is keep lying to me about the stupid little things, yet the things you know hurt me the most.

Yeah I get you cant wait for me to decide but if you truly loved me the way you say you do etc, why do all the bad things, why see these girls, message these girls, act like a completely different horrible slutty person in front of certain mates yet look like the perfect dad to all your colleagues and in front of all these girls?! 

I don't understand you, I don't like you, I want you out of my life as much as possible...

Please just stop hurting me

Imogen

Imogen Eloise is the single most important being to me and I love her more than I love anyone or anything else in existence!

I hope I can always provide her with everything she needs, not just material objects but to shower her with all my love; I want her to know that I have and always will be here for her no matter what.

She is my reason for breathing and she will never know how important she is to me...

I love you Imogen;

Lots of love,

Forever & Always

Mummy <3 

Tomorrows another day;

Time to blog; been thinking about this ALL week but finally got around to doing it;

Monday 11th June; 

I had my first ever job interview in the morning! Was scary, I was totally nervous and all those weird and silly mixed emotions you get before and after it taking place, I got a phone call middle of the afternoon,... I had only gone and got the job :) Over the moon wasn't even the phrase to describe how I felt after waiting so long for this job to come around

100% job pass rate right there haha

Its been a hectic month, I've finished college though which was a huge weight off my shoulders so I am ridiculously happy! I loved being at college, having the social side back, as a year off from education and having a baby turned me into one of those people who only speak in certain pitches and say silly words due to having a child, plus baby brain had set in BIG BIG time!

All I want to do now is PARTY HARD! 

I haven't had a proper night out since the 10th December; so am in desperate need to let my hair down!

Hopefully that night will be tomorrow :D 

Cannot wait - college girls and guys will see another side to me, well actually probably not, I was quite wild at college as it was easy just to be myself - which is always a bonus! ( spent too many years trying to fit in)

Been a weird day today, although I should be still on a high from getting this job, I've had to fork out money I don't have for an accident I had in the car last week, so that's a major downer.

Then I didn't have my little girl with me to cheer me up and have missed her as haven't seen her properly in a few days! 

For nearly 3 weeks now I've had this sorta skin irritation over the whole of my body, I went to the doctors after a week of it and trust me to go on a day where they only had a locum doctor in, anyway she said it was nothing. She sent me for blood tests in case I was celiac as of other stomach problems going on too but they have all come back clear.

I feel really down about it now as although it is as irritating as hell and all I wanna do 80% of the day is scratch, I've got scratch marks and cuts all over my body now :( 

I've bought creams, taken allergy tablets, but really need to book another appointment.

I 'googled' it and I haven't found anything that useful. It was just sudden and now its annoying!

 So anyway; it was throwing in down outside, it sounded awesome, had the window open a little, put on my comfy clothes and just had that feeling of loneliness, I just wanted to sit listening to the rain whilst cuddling up with my duvet and someone who adored me. I wanted to have lots of crappy food and just watch lots of films, fall asleep, wake back up, lie in the arms of someone who wanted just to hold me close. Soppy git and all but that's exactly how I felt. I hated it.

So yeah; tomorrows another day!

Stress; Size, Surface & Sex

Stress; Size, Surface & Sex

Does stress effect these other three; a persons size, what they feel and look like on the surface and their sexual actions?

Hate to be the person that seems like they are starting a sob story because that's not what this is...

Stress is a big part of my life right now. Stress can be positive and negative and you actually need both to have the correct balance in order for you to have a sort equal feng shui
However due to the amount of stress I am dealing with I feel it's got an impact on other aspects of my life...on my body itself.

I'm very self conscious, I have low self esteem and a negative body confidence which I hate.

I'm unhappy with my size, to many now I definitely know will grumble and that's fine. I'm not saying I'm fat, I'm saying I'm unhappy with certain parts of my body, I sorta should be proud due to the fact that I had a baby only 18months ago, I put on 3 stone, then I lost 3 stone however before I was pregnant I had the same hates with my body that I do now. So proud or not there are still those changes I want to make, plus 



what about the size of ones breasts? Is this me making a bigger deal that it actually is? Is it because family and friends mention to me that my bossoms are not all that big or is it because I spend too long comparing my boobs and the rest of my body to EVERYONE?!?!?!?

Surface...?
I have certain problems with whats on the surface; my skin it thrives on stress, it loves breaking out and that just makes me stress more.
Been a problem for a ridonkyless amount of time and therefore I've got used to it but I can't stop stressing when it gets bad which then also brings me down on how I feel I look. GRRRR

And finally sex...
Sex makes me feel a variety of different emotions.
I enjoy the passion, the intensity, the feeling, the naughtiness of it all, the fun, the fact it can be fooling around one moment and mean something so important the next.

Can stress effect sex or maybe who you choose to have sex with? I don't know that's why I leave it at a question...

The four s's are connected in one way or another and that's really what this blog was all about A) how I'm feeling about them B) should I left them have a domino effect on me or do I try and combat that a different way C) what is that way?

BLAHHH

I hate college assignments, its official!!!

Every time this week I've had chance to do some work I've gone upstairs, crawled into my bed and gone to sleep, is it because I am actually tired or is it because I find them so difficult that its easier to go and hide instead?

I asked for help off a teacher... no response ... This is why I never ask, it doesn't ever seem to provide any help anyway.

Does that mean that because I didn't hand it in on Friday that ill get bollocked by her ?

Or does she not care, she doesn't teach us any more anyway... Hmmm Nursing and Health seems like such a stupid subject to do, I don't get any of it... AT ALL !!!!

That's a lie, we've started first aid... A) its relevant, B) I understand it all C) I had my hand up the whole lesson answering questions which is something I NEVER do :) D) I suppose if I didn't get it I would possibly be ridiculously retarded or something ?! 

I've never missed an assignment deadline since the course began, now I think I did this Friday, I'm going to spam this teacher with emails to ask her why she hasn't replied when I've asked her for help, then when I get chance to see her this week I'm going to storm in her office and lay it out for her exactly how I feel about the lack of support and guidance she has given me since September.

So I'm going to try get a Science assignment done after writing this blog, or at least a little bit of it done, then I'm heading off to shop for my dads birthday which involves me buying him plenty of goodies because that's all he wants and its what he loves. He's like a big kid I swear he is... 

Sleeping over at Sams tonight, in the last few years I haven't been the type of girl to sleep at my friends houses much so I don't exactly know how I really feel about staying at hers tonight, especially since she lives with her boyfriend and shares a bed with him,... hmm bit confused as to where I fit in, I tried to persuade her to come to mine since I have a whole house to myself tonight, offered to take her to my expensive fancy pants gym for free where we can sit in a hot tub, sweat in a sauna & steam room then wash it all off in a big swimming pool... GRIM!

I thought she would be well up for the idea since she has been at work all day... NO she doesn't. 

Looks like I'm off to hers then 

....

Changes

So,... 

I've been told I should blog, help to get it all out

All the confusion and the upset possibly a little anger too. 

I literally am unsure of how I feel right now

Separating from someone who I've been with for 3 years hurts... I wanted it I was the one that chose it yet I feel like I'm the only one that seems to be hurting. Most days I could scream and cry into a pillow but I don't, I am sick of crying, I've spent pretty much the last 8 months doing it!!!

So I need to move on, yet can't properly until everything is officially sorted,

Dave will move out in a couple of weeks, Imogen will then be back and forth between us both, however much I enjoy and beg for time alone; when she is gone I miss her so terribly. 

I'm scared to be alone... I've never had to really be on my own before not properly

Relationships have ended and I've been upset but I was at home surrounded by my family and when I got fed up of them I'd have my friends plus those previous relationships obviously were never like this one. 

Ill be on my own completely, in a house with Imogen some days, alone on others.

I want to be able to enjoy that freedom and embrace it, take up every opportunity of adventure possible, but at the moment I don't feel like there will be many. This is what I hate the fact I'm feeling negative and down

I want to rant at my friends because they haven't been here for me... I've gained new friends from my college course don't get me wrong and some in particular I'm incredibly close to. 

However I have never ditched my closest friends, yes I haven't gone out with them all the time but that was a mixture of being busy as a mum, a college student, a girlfriend and other times its because I wasn't invited to go along. I'm going through probably the hardest time in my life and they have vanished when all I want is for them to be close. I'm not expecting or asking for much off them just a cuddle a catchup and some ridiculously overpriced calorific food

I've seemed to have lost a friend who for some reason has completely stopped talking to me, this is due to the fact she is going out with an ex of mine, yes he was a big part of my life a few years ago but I hate the fact she must think so low of me that I wouldn't be her friend because of it, I genuinely am happy for her I just hate the fact she has fucked off because of what she has done...

Is it that I'm 'Learning who my real friends are' or what? 

Between the bylines

Laughter and smiles are contagious, they are literally the best if done properly and not full fake-a-thon.

That's who I am, a smiley chirpy person. I know a persons smile can light up the room and warm the hearts of the people around you if they see you happy.

I love my smile, I'm told occasionally that its beautiful...(bighead)

However, a smile is an action, whereas I recently seem to be smiling less and having an emotion, one that I think everyone dislikes, but I'm unsure if this is the right emotion I am feeling or am I just whinging.

I keep questioning myself, Am I depressed? I don't know? Do I want to find out? I'm unsure?


So do I want to go and see someone about it, for me to open myself up to a stranger about the problems that I seem to be facing in my life right now? Or do I just battle on through it. I thought I could talk to a lot of people, but now it seems many are fed up of listening, I don't blame them its tiresome listening to someone moan on about their lives like everything is terrible, especially when I know there are people are in a lot worse situations than me. But isn't that what friends are for? To listen to you in times of good and bad, I feel I'm there for my friends so where are they now when I really need them to listen?

Am I being hard on myself, am I whinging on or am I right?

I'm confused, angry and upset - these emotions are ones in which I dislike.
I need guidance but yet again those who used to guide me are becoming less helpful, when I feel this is a time I need them most.

Have I just got to be grown up and make big decisions in my life?







I don't know?